Hello, Guten Tag, Bonjour, Hola, Salve, Olá, Goddag, привіт, Yassas, and Dzień Dobry to you all!
(and a Very Special Dia Duit to my the Isle of my Own Forebearers)
Remember that time you had that one problem? You know, the art school dropout with the little mustache who got really into flags and yelling? Yeah, that one. Remember how we crossed an ocean, crashed on your couch for a few years, and helped clean up that mess? I seem to recall bringing a lot of tanks and, if I’m not mistaken, leaving behind a fridge full of Coca-Cola and a crippling dependency on Hollywood action movies.
Well, uh, funny thing. We might be dealing with a similar situation over here.
See, we’ve got this morally and financially bankrupt former reality TV star, and he’s really gotten into flags, yelling, and blaming all his problems on groups of people he doesn’t like. And while his mustache game is thankfully non-existent, I’m starting to get a little French-style déjà vu.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, didn’t you guys literally write a whole thing about not letting this happen again? Yeah, we thought so too. Turns out, a lot of our people don’t read so good, and even more of them are convinced that if you say the bad thing isn’t happening, then it magically won’t. But we both know that’s not how this goes.
Which brings me to why I’m writing.
A lot of your grandkids have been tearing up our lawn for a while now, running around telling everyone they’re the real Americans while waving Confederate and Nazi flags (which, sidebar, wasn’t that your guy’s thing? Maybe come collect your weird nephews?). Between that, and the whole “saving democracy” thing we did for you last time, I think it’s fair to say you kinda owe us one.
So, if you’re not too busy with your soccer tournaments and debating whether cheese counts as a meal (it does, and I respect that), maybe you could do us a solid? I’m not saying you need to storm the beaches again, though if you did, could you maybe land in Florida this time? Just putting it out there.
Anyway, let me know if you’re down to help. I can’t promise gold bars or looted artwork, but I can definitely cover some pizza and beer, like when my friends helped me move that couch.
Your old pal,
North America (but mostly the U.S., let’s be honest)
via R.L. Lawrence
P.S.: Hey, Ireland! What’s up, cousin! Big fan of Joyce and Yeats. You looking to take on any more modernist avant-garde novelists? Hit me up; if things get too bad, I’ll trade my marshmallow stars for clovers if you need another leprechaun.
P.P.S: If not, uh… You need any potato farmers?